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secret womens business October 6, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — panthergirl @ 6:22 am
Tags: , , ,

I was reading a post by nonya about the perils of public toilets and it reminded me of an email that arrived the other day. Because really, there's nothing much worse than a public toilet experience is there. Especially when you go in and someone is doing a poo. Which I always think is totally uncalled for. I always feel soiled for the rest of the day. And I worry then that the poo person will get out before me, then the next person will come in as I'm leaving and think I'm the poo person. But I am definitely not the poo person because I will wait days before I poo in a public toilet.

Anyway here's the email.

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
you check for feet under the cubicle doors Every cubicle is
occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch.
It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your
pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum,
no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you
carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over
in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and
assume ' The Stance.
In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or
to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you
had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet
paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the
one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you
have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That
would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of
your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the
toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing
your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and
life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet
seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases
you could get. By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that
covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab
onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper
you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
walk past the line of women still waiting
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and
tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this..
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why
is your bag hanging around your neck?
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest
rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains
to the men what really does take us so long It also answers that other
commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs.
It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand
you Kleenex under the door.


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16 Responses to “secret womens business”

  1. G Says:

    Well…when you work in an office some 10 to 12 hours a day, at some point it's inevitable you will have to crap in the office toilet. Especially if say you have a sudden bout of violent stomach churnings that ends in what in our family we refer lovingly as "an ass explosion".
    The worst are those guys who apparently have not evolved beyond amoebic life form. It is a known fact that if there is one person shitting in a public toilet you just leave. you do NOT get in the stall next to him and begin crapping with loud farting/shitting noises as if all was well with the world. And you certainly do not make a phone call on your mobile while you do it!! You would think anyways. But not in merry old England. They do that here. A Lot.

  2. Your post is much more fun! I laughed seeing myself in that description. There are times I'll run into the mens room if no one is waiting in that line. After I do it, usually one other woman in the line will slide over and do as I did.
    I once read a rant about public restrooms. A lady suggested if we were going to hover over the toilet and not sit on the seat, why not lift the seat and hover over the bowl only? Hmmm, never thought of that.

  3. homebody Says:

    I share your horror of the poo person. and eek! – automatically-flushing toilets are evil! I dread toilets with those things.

  4. Crush-Monkey Says:

    This made me giggle!!!! Same at work…always try to avoid the poo person! Luckily we have some single bathrooms so hopefully they will go THERE!
    Was in chicago airport last month…and they had automatic seat covers that slid around after each use. i had never seen those before!

  5. I howled with laughter reading this, until I remembered that as a child I used to be so afraid to use a public restroom, I would hold it until I got home or to a more private facility….which sometimes resulted in some pretty embarrassing accidents. I've gotten less picky in old age, but the hole with the seat over it at one roadside rest stop in Nevada was enough to bring back my phobia. Yeesh.

  6. cat Says:

    lol – the mobile phone on the toilet thing is sooo wrong

  7. cat Says:

    We were never allowed to sit on the seat as kids. And my daughter must just about clog up the system with the maount of toilet paper she uses to line the seat with.

  8. cat Says:

    lol, its like a movie title The Horror of the Poo Person. I've never experienced the automatic flush – we musn't have them a lot of places here

  9. cat Says:

    ahhhh, thats a good idea – definitely never seen that here, do you have to take them off though – how do they get flushed away?

  10. cat Says:

    You know theres a name for the fear of using public toilets – can't remember what it is now but Ninja told me once that I had it. And I have. Once I was busting on a road trip and we stopped at a service station and they only had one toilet for men and women to share and when I opened the door and saw it, it was so disgusting I didn't ever want to use it, but I had to because I had that thing happen that as soon as you actually see the toilet you have to get on it that instant.

  11. Oh how true it all is! I saw an Oprah show where Oprah said she worried about the smelly toilet thing too – that if she followed a smelly user that people would follow her and say OMG Oprah is smelly! She said that she feels the need to tell everyone that it wasn't her…which in the long wrong may be worse as they might thing she is the one and just covering! LOL the joys of womanhood!

  12. cat Says:

    lol, yes sometimes best to say nothing – I was reading a book the other day and there was a woman police detective in it and she said they are always losing their handcuffs down the bowl

  13. G Says:

    Not just a call while on the bowl….a call while expelling fecal matter in a loud enough noise-some way that the other person on the mobile asks about it and then he owns up to it and laughs….THAT kind of wrong.
    But I got my revenge on one of these people when I had a particularly foul event happen in my stomach. It may have been the death of several dogs that had eaten rotting rats. At least judging from the smell. And this vulgar turd burst into the toilet after complaining outside that it was occupied for too long (because HE had to go right now see) and he burst in fully intending to thump the stall door and ask that I leave/hurry up but I guess he timed his breathing wrong because he took a large lungfull of what was essentially a noxious cloud of vaporised shit of the foulest nature. Way beyond what a normal human can do. Martian Ass Explosion is nothing to joke about. He actually gagged. Moaned, stumbled, hit the door on his way back out, probably tried to puke in the corridor and left the entire building. The beauty of it was he had no idea who it was in there. It was sweet, sweet, revenge. I can't say it smelled sweet though.

  14. Crush-Monkey Says:

    The revolving seat cover thing just spun away. You wave your hand in front of a sensor and it brought out a fresh one! Maybe it's so new that only Chicago has them?! I made it spin 3 times before i felt certain i was going to sit on it though

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