Today Operation Thunder Thighs began. I'm not trying to find some, rather prevent some from arriving.
It all started about a year ago.
My mother had two knee replacement operations and I went and stayed at their house to look after her. One of my jobs was to put on the compression stockings. And they aren't joking when they use the word compression. So she'd have a shower and stand in front of me. I'd kneel on the floor and wrestle the stockings onto her. After a few weeks doing this I could have killed a person with only my thumbs. It's a tough workout.
Anyway the point is, that one time while I was doing this, I glanced up at my mothers legs and thought –
wow – they sure are chunky thighs.
But it wasn't a huge shock as she's always had terrible legs.
However, last week I stepped out of the shower, bent down to dry my toes, glanced at my legs and thought –
OH MY GOD – those babies could turn into my mothers thighs.
They definitely have the potential. They're still slim, but I can see a similar shape emerging.
Lizzie is also going to begin Operation Thunder Thighs. I was going to say that at 16 she has different goals than me, but I don't think she has actually. I think we're both trying not to turn into our mother.
My friend Jem is going to start Operation Fat Guts. Thats because her mother looks like a ladybeetle. Or a bee. She has the tank middle and skinny legs.
Bloody mothers – pass on all their faulty genes – why can't they be perfect.
My parents between them have already warned me to look out for varicose veins, glaucoma, haemochromatosis and schizophrenia. And now they expect me to deal with fat thighs as well.
So basically the routine will just include more of what we should all be doing.
Less grog – I must say Four Corners scared me off binge drinking (almost) last night with the brain damage angle. Was much more frightening than ManWoman.
Less fat – twisties, chips and gravy, pastry – basically all the tasty stuff.
Less sugar – no actually I don't eat much sugar – that can stay.
More exercise – I'm excellent at making excuses to get out of exercise, so no more of that. Definitely more leg work.
I was going to take before and after photos but common sense prevailed. I did that once before. I had Daz take some polaroids of me in my undies and bra. I couldn't be bothered taking my jeans off so I just had them bunched around my ankles. So I told him to cut that out of the photo. But he didn't – he put them in and cut my head off instead.
I don't remember if I actually cried or not when I saw them but I knew they must be destroyed instantly. Do you know how hard it is to set a polaroid alight.
So here we go. Operation Thunder Thighs has officially begun.