It all started with the yoghurt.
I don't eat yoghurt – don't like dairy much at all. But I felt myself slouching, and I could feel that dowagers hump growing between my shoulder blades and the osteoporosis eating away my bones. Must eat calcium I thought. And even though I knew it would make the wierd throat thing worse, at that moment my fear of brittle bones was greater than my fear of phlegm.
So because I can't face a glass of milk, I thought – yoghurt. And I was right, it was awful. It leaves a taste in your throat like you've just had a vomit. But they say you need three serves a day so I added cheese to the daily diet. And how else to have cheese but on a toasted sandwich. Even though I know bread makes me feel like an unsettled doughball. And before you know it you're washing it all down with an extra cup of coffee and then surely a couple of glasses of wine while you cook dinner can't do any harm, and surely you don't need to exercise every day. And before you know it you've got a family block of chocolate hidden in the vegetable crisper.
Then one night I was home alone, with no car and I had to pick up Lizzie from work. So I jogged. I could have walked, but I was watching CSI and I didn't want to miss too much. And it was while I was jogging, in the howling winds and light rain that I felt, not fat, but sluggish. Heavy. I didn't feel that my blood was zipping around my body. It felt more like a sludge trying to make it's way through my hardening arteries.
Ok then, I did feel a little bit fat. But that was only because I'd seen Madonnas new film clip. And even though they may have used soft filters on her, there is no denying her overall fitness and flexibility. This does not look like a woman who groans when she stands up after squatting on the floor for a while.
And my throat feels awful. Constantly throat clearing. So the yoghurt and cheese are gone. I'll just have to buy calcium tablets.
And don't forget to keep those shoulders back ladies – SQUEEZE them. Several times a day.