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swimsuit shopping January 13, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — panthergirl @ 9:34 pm
Tags: ,

Nothing really strikes fear like the thought of going shopping for swimmers. I haven't bothered for years as the last time I did it was so traumatic I haven't been able to face the thought of it again. The change rooms had swinging doors like saloon doors that ended at my knees and showed my head. If I bent over to put the pants on my arse would've knocked the doors flying open. I had Lizzie gaurding them all the time yelling at her "don't you come in". It was a waste of time anyway as one glance in the mirror was enough to convince me that pale pink was definitely not my colour and when the hell did all that cellulite appear.

Anyway in my email clean out I found this one from my sister, sent ages ago but kept as a reminder that it's not just me.

This one came from a lady in England – (It is a true
story written by a lady to her friend after a swimsuit
shopping expedition).

"I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of
torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suite. When I
was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature
figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure, boned, trussed and
reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back
and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the
pre-pubescent girl with
a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman
has a choice: she can either front up at the maternity department and
try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus
who escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every
run-of-the-milldepartment store trying to make a sensible choice
from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands. What choice did I have?

I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered
the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the
stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was
developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a
slingshot, which give
the added bonus that if you managed
to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected
from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking
a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I
fought my way into
the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
in place, I gasped
in horror – my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I
found one bosom   cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to
find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra
cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her
chest like a speed
hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the
mirror to take a
full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted all
right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me willing
to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top,
bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized
cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come
from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the
curtains. "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I
replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like
a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the
appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into
a pair of leopard skin  bathers with ragged frill and came out looking
like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked
like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a
high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted….a two piece
affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was
cheap, comfortable and
bulge friendly so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome.

When I got home, I found the label that said,
"Material will become
transparent in water."


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19 Responses to “swimsuit shopping”

  1. snoringKatZ Says:

    [this is great] [this made me squirt things from my nose and made my stomach hurt, too]

  2. Emjay Says:

    After many years of buying a new costume every summer and then not wearing it further than the sand (and covered in huge t-shirt) I have come to my senses and not bought one for the past 2 years. Are you going on a beach holiday?

  3. Waterbaby Says:

    If there were a passing Pulitzer for short prose, this would be a winner.

  4. cat Says:

    well just make sure you keep those pelvic floor muscles tight or you'll wet your pants

  5. cat Says:

    no, I'm not going on a beach holiday – I don't get to go on holidays, I just pay for my children to have holidays.

  6. Waterbaby Says:

    it is. only middle-age-ish girl who looks good in a swimsuit is kate moss. obviously drugs and chain-smoking are the means to maintaining a trim spritely figure.

  7. cat Says:

    lol – I'll get right onto that diet then. Guess I'll need a team of makeup artists and hairdressers as well though.

  8. Waterbaby Says:

    not to mention a slew of designers eager to give you their swimsuits and, well, entire wardrobe for free.

  9. Ninja Says:

    LOL! Do what I do… wear boardies and a dark t-shirt. Go anywhere, swim anywhere, to hell with bathers. It's either that or go the mankini… jury's out on that one.

  10. cat Says:

    Looking forward to seeing a photo of you in the mankini – is niice

  11. Ninja Says:

    Those things are just not ergonomic. My boys don't feel safe or protected in them croth slingshots. Naah, pics would be far too confronting.

  12. Kelly Says:

    Hahahahaha, that's really made my morning. *shudders* at swimsuit buying. I actually preferred being pregnant and wearing a swimsuit, at least I was supposed to look pregnant then!Drugs and cigarettes…mmmmmmm. I can do that I suppose. For next summer. Smoking makes me sick though, do just drugs count? I went on holiday last summer for the first time in years and wore small shorts and a separate vest top. Any other combination was too hideous, even though we were in a private villa and didn't venture to the public beach!

  13. cat Says:

    lol – being pregnant has many perks like that doesn't it. No more standing side on to the mirror and thinking – when the hell did that happen. Just able to let it all hang loose. Drugs only should definitely work – just make it something serious, like crack. And you can probably substitute alcohol for cigarettes. I too do the shorts and tank top – saves the bother of "box" maintenance as well. I think there comes an age – maybe 68 – where you say, stuff it – I'm wearing what I want.

  14. Kelly Says:

    Well I'm half way there with the alcohol! Not sure all the empty calories I'm consuming are aiding my weight loss though. I was thinking crack or meth amphetimine?? Try anything twice..Box maintenence! PMSL.

  15. cat Says:

    thats because you're not doing it right. What you do is get one of those calorie counter journals and work out how many calories you can have each day to lose weight. Then every morning when you wake up, you write in all the alcoholic drinks you want to have that day and how many calories it will take up. Then however many calories you have left over, you allocate to food. I think it's also a good idea to put a chocolate type item in first thing.

  16. Kelly Says:

    Shit. You're a genuis. I'll pass on the chocolate though. I find toast filling and nutritious (brown of course). Just pop a multi vitamin too for all my essential nutrients. I guess if I knock out the tonic from my gin or vodka that allows me far more of the good stuff too.

  17. cat Says:

    now we're talkin' – carbs, crack, booze and pills – the perfect diet.

  18. Kelly Says:

    Chuck in a bit of smoked salmon straight from the packet (eaten at the fridge door of course!) Joking aside, I had a slight downfall with the ole prescipton drugs last year. Fun for a short time, thought I was keeping up appearances until my marriage broke up so drugs are EVIL. That sucks because I was skinny then and kept getting asked for ID (I'm 30 in March with 4 kids). Total myth that drugs ruin your looks in the short time (Britney aside…)Trying to keep on the straight and narrow now but I aint ever going to give up alcohol. A girl has to have some vice. And of course I have 4 kids to look after and love and Mummy wasn't the best mummy last year. (So I'm told, I don't remember the majority of it) In my defense I did have what I wold call a functioning breakdown after the shock of my gorgeous 4th child being born with a genetic disorder.Im here now, I'm drug free, A bottle of wine is my friend and co-parent. And the award for best mother of 2007 goes to……………

  19. cat Says:

    Well I predict right now that 2008 is going to be much better. It shall be one of the best years of your life. In December you will be seen wearing the crown awarded only to top chicks and hot mama's. It shall be tastefully designed in the shape of a wine bottle – hmm, or maybe a grape. I shall think about that. And go the smoked slamon – yumm.

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